1
00:00:04,050 --> 00:00:05,549
Sorry we're late for movie night.
2
00:00:05,550 --> 00:00:07,719
I was trying to help Carol pick out an outfit
3
00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:08,959
for Comic-Fan-Fest.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,059
Kip wanted me to go as Princess Leia,
5
00:00:11,060 --> 00:00:12,929
but I look horrible in white.
6
00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:16,160
That's the only thing I
remember from our wedding.
7
00:00:16,170 --> 00:00:18,169
You know what?
8
00:00:18,170 --> 00:00:19,269
I've been thinking about going to that, uh,
9
00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:21,099
whatever that "Comic Fest" thing is.
10
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:22,239
My boss says we need
11
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,800
to start appealing more to the nerd audience.
12
00:00:23,810 --> 00:00:26,270
See, our-our station airs
a Big Bang Theory rerun
13
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,409
every day at 3:30, huge ratings,
14
00:00:28,410 --> 00:00:31,679
but our 4:00 p.m. newscast
isn't holding enough viewers.
15
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,579
Get on it, Nathan.
16
00:00:33,580 --> 00:00:35,279
Because you need to hold on to that job.
17
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:36,819
I mean, what else are you qualified to do?
18
00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:38,020
Mannequin at Old Navy?
19
00:00:39,090 --> 00:00:42,019
Okay, Mikayla finally
finished her math homework.
20
00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:45,360
Seems like a waste of time for
a girl who's gonna marry rich.
21
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,459
Did you guys pick a movie?
22
00:00:48,460 --> 00:00:50,899
Mm. Kip and I want to watch...
23
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:52,129
CAROL and KIP: Star Wars...
24
00:00:52,130 --> 00:00:54,199
to get psyched for Comic-Fan-Fest.
25
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,739
We're not allowed to watch that.
26
00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,700
Daddy won't let us because Jeff said so.
27
00:00:57,710 --> 00:01:00,209
God, I am so sick of Jeff!
28
00:01:00,210 --> 00:01:02,339
Say, I'm just trying to fit in here.
29
00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:03,979
Who's Jeff?
30
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:07,879
He's the leader of the cuckoo
commune Adam grew up on.
31
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:11,380
Jeff told Daddy watching
Star Wars can cause seizures.
32
00:01:11,390 --> 00:01:14,189
Honey, I don't want to say
your dad's a little simple,
33
00:01:14,190 --> 00:01:16,820
but Tom Hanks would get
an Oscar for playing him.
34
00:01:18,190 --> 00:01:19,759
We're watching Star Wars.
35
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,329
Great. No, this is perfect.
36
00:01:21,330 --> 00:01:23,529
I can brush up on my nerd knowledge.
37
00:01:23,530 --> 00:01:27,530
Can't just blindly pander
to the Big Bang fans.
38
00:01:27,540 --> 00:01:28,999
They'll just see right through it.
39
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,170
They're television's smartest audience.
40
00:01:51,430 --> 00:01:54,559
?Synced and Corrected by Seppuku17?
?www.addic7ed.com?
41
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,289
42
00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:59,559
(Star Wars playing over TV)
43
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,129
When I woke up at the cafe,
44
00:02:01,130 --> 00:02:02,359
we still didn't have any customers,
45
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,899
so I just decided to close up early.
46
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:05,929
I...
47
00:02:05,930 --> 00:02:07,329
Oh, God, it's Star Wars!
48
00:02:07,330 --> 00:02:08,969
Cover your eyes!
49
00:02:08,970 --> 00:02:10,999
Adam, relax.
50
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,339
Nobody's having a seizure.
51
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,570
Wait, wait, wait. Can we
just rewind that last part?
52
00:02:14,580 --> 00:02:16,170
Where'd they say they were going? Alderaan?
53
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:17,639
Wait a second, d-did you say Alderaan?
54
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,740
That's where Exalted Leader Jeff is from.
55
00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:21,750
The leader of your commune
was from another planet?
56
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,419
Please tell me you aren't
about to peel off your skin
57
00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:28,150
and introduce us to the real you.
58
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,059
It's not another planet; Jeff
grew up in Alderaan, Iowa.
59
00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:34,689
I never heard of a town
in Iowa called Alderaan.
60
00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:37,560
And I have a photographic,
uh, whatchamacallit.
61
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,799
You see, Alderaan was
wiped out in a giant fire,
62
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,199
and then Jeff had to move in
63
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,039
with his aunt and uncle in a mud hut.
64
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,209
And then they were killed
by some state troopers
65
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,280
from "the Dark Side of the force."
66
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,079
Guess who the police chief turned out to be.
67
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,350
ALL: Jeff's father.
68
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:58,719
Your cult leader appears to have stolen
69
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,389
his life history from Star Wars.
70
00:03:00,390 --> 00:03:02,990
Everything you're talking
about was in the movie.
71
00:03:04,090 --> 00:03:05,589
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second.
72
00:03:05,590 --> 00:03:07,660
Our school mascot was the Millennium Falcon.
73
00:03:08,690 --> 00:03:11,830
All our food was kept in Jabba the Hutt.
74
00:03:13,630 --> 00:03:16,830
You know what, I'm not gonna
let him get away with this.
75
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,700
Hey, Brenda.
76
00:03:18,710 --> 00:03:19,839
It's me, Adam.
77
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,709
No, I don't go by Moon Potato anymore.
78
00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:23,979
No, it's not because someone else
79
00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:26,109
at work was named Moon Potato.
80
00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:28,009
Listen, Brenda, I need
you to tell Jeff something
81
00:03:28,010 --> 00:03:30,149
the next time he comes
down to the gas station
82
00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:31,519
to fill up his water bottles, okay?
83
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,089
I need you to tell him
that I have seen Star Wars,
84
00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:35,520
and I am onto him.
85
00:03:37,790 --> 00:03:40,359
How do you get a name
like Moon Potato anyway?
86
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,229
You see, on the commune, your first name is
87
00:03:42,230 --> 00:03:44,329
whatever your mother was
looking at during conception,
88
00:03:44,330 --> 00:03:46,829
and your last name is your
father's favorite food.
89
00:03:46,830 --> 00:03:51,000
You're married to an interesting
man, Headboard Pot Roast.
90
00:03:55,170 --> 00:03:57,170
NATHAN: Here we go.
91
00:03:57,180 --> 00:03:59,709
Hi, there. WXDN News. I was
just wondering if I could...
92
00:03:59,710 --> 00:04:01,149
CAROL: Hey, Nathan!
93
00:04:01,150 --> 00:04:03,280
Isn't this fun?
94
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,380
What are you two dressed as?
95
00:04:06,390 --> 00:04:09,019
The waitstaff at the Boca Raton Pizza Hut?
96
00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:12,620
I am Captain Janeway from Star Trek.
97
00:04:12,630 --> 00:04:16,390
I have no idea who that is,
but I think I'm pulling it off.
98
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,259
How's your story going?
99
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:19,460
Oh, it's rough.
100
00:04:19,470 --> 00:04:21,929
All the people here only
want to be interviewed
101
00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:24,130
by podcasts or blog-casts or pod-blogs.
102
00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:27,000
Is what I'm saying even words?
103
00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:29,239
Look at these podcasters;
they're not even journalists.
104
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,409
They don't understand the
subtleties of the craft.
105
00:04:31,410 --> 00:04:36,479
I took an entire class to
learn how to do a dramatic...
106
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,049
pause.
107
00:04:39,050 --> 00:04:40,780
(applause)
108
00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:42,419
Stop it.
109
00:04:42,420 --> 00:04:45,319
Stop, please!
110
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,020
Unless you want to go louder!
111
00:04:47,030 --> 00:04:50,059
(crowd cheering)
112
00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:52,860
Nathan, do you know who that is?
113
00:04:52,870 --> 00:04:54,329
I don't know, the guy who invented
114
00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:57,499
deleting the history on
your Internet browser?
115
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:59,039
Are you kidding?
116
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:02,539
That's the author of Fire
and Rain, Martin J.S. Essex.
117
00:05:02,540 --> 00:05:04,370
If you're looking to get in with these nerds,
118
00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:05,639
you should interview him.
119
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,040
He is our king!
120
00:05:08,610 --> 00:05:10,779
- I'm hoping to get a Kippie with him.
- A what?
121
00:05:10,780 --> 00:05:13,280
A Kippie. Uh, a Kippie's
like a selfie but better,
122
00:05:13,290 --> 00:05:15,819
because Kip's always in it.
123
00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:17,919
Martin J.S. Essex must be his pen name,
124
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,589
because that's Cory Simpson.
125
00:05:19,590 --> 00:05:20,720
I used to teach him.
126
00:05:20,730 --> 00:05:24,129
He was an exchange student from New Zealand.
127
00:05:24,130 --> 00:05:26,229
You rode the bus with him.
128
00:05:26,230 --> 00:05:27,799
He'd sit on the bus driver's lap
129
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,500
because he'd get car sick
if he couldn't see the road.
130
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,239
Oh, yeah.
131
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,970
Always kind of assumed that
he'd end up a bus driver.
132
00:05:43,050 --> 00:05:45,719
Nobody talk to me.
133
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,349
I'm trying to rest my face muscles
134
00:05:48,350 --> 00:05:52,219
so I can get the perfect smile for my Kippie.
135
00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:54,020
Nobody is talking to you.
136
00:05:54,030 --> 00:05:56,629
(hisses)
137
00:05:56,630 --> 00:05:58,429
Who should I make it out to?
138
00:05:58,430 --> 00:06:00,100
Mrs. Blast.
139
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,499
Blast from the past.
140
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,630
Mrs. Miller!
141
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,399
You remember my son?
142
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,869
How about an autograph
for your old bus buddy?
143
00:06:08,870 --> 00:06:10,809
Yeah, sure. Who should I make it out to?
144
00:06:10,810 --> 00:06:11,839
Nathan Miller the backstabber?
145
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,140
Nathan Miller the ingrate?
146
00:06:14,150 --> 00:06:16,579
Or would you prefer Nathan Miller the devil?
147
00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:18,379
But that would just be redundant.
148
00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:20,049
I'm not with them.
149
00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:21,449
Kippie!
150
00:06:21,450 --> 00:06:22,620
(camera clicks)
151
00:06:25,690 --> 00:06:27,019
Security!
152
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,329
Remove this backstabber from my sight.
153
00:06:29,330 --> 00:06:30,959
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on, hold on.
154
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,599
At least just tell me what I did.
155
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,260
Is this because I made fun of you
156
00:06:34,270 --> 00:06:35,699
for sitting on the bus driver's lap?
157
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:38,069
Because in-in my defense...
158
00:06:38,070 --> 00:06:41,200
you were sitting on the bus driver's lap.
159
00:06:41,210 --> 00:06:42,809
Fine, Nathan.
160
00:06:42,810 --> 00:06:44,339
You really want to know?
161
00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:47,810
It happened many years ago,
in the kingdom of Leesburg.
162
00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:50,850
163
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,320
(crows cawing)
164
00:07:04,930 --> 00:07:07,699
MARTIN: In the land of
middle school, you were king.
165
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:09,669
The ruler of the popular crowd.
166
00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:11,999
Highborn, as it were.
167
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,439
I was an outcast, cursed
by my extreme intellect
168
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,040
and the itchy blazer my mom made me wear.
169
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:24,180
As different as we both were,
our paths were soon to cross.
170
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,980
Winter was coming, and with it midterms.
171
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,989
You were intellectually ill-equipped
172
00:07:30,990 --> 00:07:33,190
and sent word for reinforcements.
173
00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:40,999
We forged a sacred alliance.
174
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,829
I would help you in your
epic battle against algebra.
175
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:47,769
And from then on, you would
be seen in public with me.
176
00:07:47,770 --> 00:07:52,170
The King of Cool and the
Hand of the King of Cool.
177
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,839
It took almost a fortnight,
178
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,840
but eventually I taught you the formulas
179
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:58,379
to slay the algebraic beast.
180
00:07:58,380 --> 00:08:01,719
We toasted our victory with orange libations
181
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,849
from the land of Crush,
182
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:06,319
brought to us by one of your castle wenches.
183
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,659
And you swore that a Miller
always pays his debts.
184
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:12,229
(laughs heartily)
185
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:14,629
It wasn't long before our newfound alliance
186
00:08:14,630 --> 00:08:16,229
was put to the test.
187
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:18,499
Your bannermen were
dishonoring me after kickball.
188
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:22,800
But then my new ally emerged
through the darkness.
189
00:08:32,610 --> 00:08:33,849
But it turned out
190
00:08:33,850 --> 00:08:36,320
that a Miller pays back
his debts in betrayal.
191
00:08:38,490 --> 00:08:41,219
And then in a final act of treachery,
192
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,120
you unsheathed your mighty broadsword
193
00:08:43,130 --> 00:08:45,130
and chopped off my head!
194
00:08:46,030 --> 00:08:48,229
Yeah, I don't remember any of that.
195
00:08:48,230 --> 00:08:51,099
And, clearly, I did not cut off your head.
196
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:54,340
And thank God 'cause, man, you look good!
197
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,339
Well, maybe you didn't cut off my head,
198
00:08:57,340 --> 00:08:59,170
but you stabbed me in the back, man!
199
00:08:59,180 --> 00:09:00,170
Isn't that even crueler?
200
00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:02,109
That was a long time ago.
201
00:09:02,110 --> 00:09:04,579
My son needs this interview, and you owe me.
202
00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:06,679
Remember when I convinced all of the kids
203
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,680
that boogers were a delicacy in New Zealand?
204
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:14,319
All right.
205
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,259
Fine.
206
00:09:16,260 --> 00:09:18,829
I'll let you interview me... for your mother.
207
00:09:18,830 --> 00:09:20,590
You can moderate my QandA panel tomorrow
208
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,630
and film it for the news.
209
00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:24,999
You have read my new book, right?
210
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,399
(chuckles): Are you kidding?
211
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,209
As many times as I've read the other ones.
212
00:09:31,210 --> 00:09:33,670
Why don't we save all the
book talk for tomorrow,
213
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,009
because I'd love to hear about your new life.
214
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:37,849
How about I take you out to lunch?
215
00:09:37,850 --> 00:09:39,710
Sure, we can take my bus.
216
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:40,979
You'll meet my bus driver.
217
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:42,850
He has the most comfortable lap.
218
00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:49,720
Man, look at this thing.
219
00:09:49,730 --> 00:09:52,159
Never be able to read this in one night.
220
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,490
I'll help you.
221
00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:55,759
Hey, check out this selfie I just got.
222
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,970
Me and the only other black dude here.
223
00:10:01,770 --> 00:10:04,769
Well, I just finished
watching the new trilogy.
224
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,570
Now I know why Jeff named
his youngest Jar Jar Binks.
225
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:11,210
That kid looks exactly like Jar Jar Binks.
226
00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:15,619
That poor girl.
227
00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:17,820
(knocking)
228
00:10:19,590 --> 00:10:22,320
Jeff! I got your message, Moon Potato.
229
00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:24,789
Get out of here, Jeff.
230
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,590
And nobody calls me Moon Potato anymore.
231
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:27,890
Was there another Moon Potato...
232
00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:30,500
There was not another Moon Potato at work!
233
00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:40,089
And so that's why Baldomore
is so eager to capture
234
00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:42,220
his father-in-law's castle, because he knows
235
00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:45,029
that once his mistress gives
birth to the blue dragon,
236
00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:48,699
he will once again have the
upper hand over the Ninth Queen.
237
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,499
(laughing)
238
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,730
- That's so funny.
- What?
239
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,169
It's just that you're so into it,
240
00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:56,939
like it's real, and it's just...
241
00:10:56,940 --> 00:11:00,240
well, it's... it's dragon babies, I mean...
242
00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:05,910
Even the breath of a newborn dragon can melt
243
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,150
an entire ship made of Chrisharian diamonds.
244
00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:12,119
(laughs)
245
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,189
- Sorry.
- I-I knew you wouldn't...
246
00:11:13,190 --> 00:11:14,459
I knew you wouldn't get it! No, no!
247
00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:16,520
Certain people just don't understand fantasy.
248
00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:18,189
What? Rational people?
249
00:11:18,190 --> 00:11:21,099
Spoiled people who grew up popular
250
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,829
and birthmark-free.
251
00:11:23,830 --> 00:11:26,730
Who never knew what it
was like to be an outcast.
252
00:11:26,740 --> 00:11:28,169
People like you don't need fantasy
253
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:31,100
because your reality was so perfect.
254
00:11:31,110 --> 00:11:33,270
Oh, you know what? My
reality was far from perfect.
255
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,979
Do you know how guilty I
feel for making it impossible
256
00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:39,979
for my parents to be proud of my sister?
257
00:11:39,980 --> 00:11:43,049
You have no idea what it
means to be ostracized,
258
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,819
literally and figuratively.
259
00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:46,019
Oh, there's two more words
260
00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:47,489
you probably don't know the meaning of!
261
00:11:47,490 --> 00:11:49,459
Oh, oh! I'm sorry! You were such an outcast.
262
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,559
You told me that in high
school you were the captain
263
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:53,490
of the football team and a cheerleader!
264
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,930
It was powder puff football!
265
00:11:57,470 --> 00:12:00,899
We were all our own cheerleaders!
266
00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:02,699
You know what? You know what?
You know what? You know what?
267
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:04,369
You know what? You know what? You know what?
268
00:12:04,370 --> 00:12:07,839
People like you are never
gonna get people like me.
269
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,479
I am not helping you pretend
that you're one of us!
270
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,610
Oh, fine! You know what? I'll
just figure it out on my own.
271
00:12:13,620 --> 00:12:15,449
- You know what?! You know what?!
- You know what?! You know what?!
272
00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:17,350
You know what?
273
00:12:24,230 --> 00:12:25,989
You need to do something, Adam, okay?
274
00:12:25,990 --> 00:12:27,659
You can't just let him stand out
275
00:12:27,660 --> 00:12:28,859
on the front porch forever.
276
00:12:28,860 --> 00:12:30,699
I mean, he's already been
out here for, like...
277
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,229
How long have you been out here?
278
00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:33,470
26 hours.
279
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,400
26 hours. He's freaking me out!
280
00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:38,869
Oh, fine.
281
00:12:38,870 --> 00:12:41,040
Let him in.
282
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,749
Namaste.
283
00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:50,049
You got two minutes, Exalted Liar Jeff.
284
00:12:50,050 --> 00:12:51,119
Look.
285
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,249
Let me explain.
286
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:54,319
We were a bunch of hippies
living in the woods.
287
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,259
One night, everyone paired off to have sex,
288
00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:59,229
leaving only me and Fat Reggie.
289
00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:01,159
So I roller-skated into town,
discovered a little movie
290
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,459
called Star Wars.
291
00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:04,029
The next day, I told everybody about it.
292
00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,799
But they were so stoned, they missed the part
293
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,670
where I said it was a movie!
294
00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:11,239
They were blown away.
295
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,839
Suddenly, everyone's looking
up to me like their leader.
296
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,039
And we needed that.
297
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,939
When I took over, we
were down to four condoms
298
00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:17,709
and a half bag of mushrooms.
299
00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:21,510
Our commune features a lot of sex and drugs.
300
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:22,919
Is there golf?
301
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,719
No, but we have a deal worked
out with a nearby Hyatt.
302
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,450
Sign me up.
303
00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:30,089
I can't believe people fell for this.
304
00:13:30,090 --> 00:13:32,020
Well, keep in mind the drugs.
305
00:13:32,030 --> 00:13:33,359
Plus, the fact is they wanted to.
306
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,799
We needed some structure to live by.
307
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,799
All right, so you got
caught up in a lie, fine.
308
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,929
But why did you make us
do all that stupid stuff,
309
00:13:39,930 --> 00:13:41,930
like write down two
secrets and then drop them
310
00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:43,539
in a magic metal trash can?
311
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:48,170
It was called Write Two, Drop Two.
312
00:13:49,740 --> 00:13:51,780
"R2D2."
313
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,279
Look, I had my reasons.
314
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,119
I used R2 as a suggestion box
to help solve people's problems.
315
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,219
I remember a certain
316
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:00,819
tall drink of awkward who always wrote
317
00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:02,219
about being nervous around girls.
318
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:05,020
Yeah, you told me that
I had a special "force"
319
00:14:05,030 --> 00:14:08,790
inside me that would
protect me from humiliation.
320
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,929
It was just a lie like everything about you.
321
00:14:10,930 --> 00:14:13,999
Was it? Or did thinking you had
a special force inside of you
322
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,270
give you the courage to approach your wife?
323
00:14:17,970 --> 00:14:20,809
Holy mother of Jeff.
324
00:14:20,810 --> 00:14:22,539
I understand if you don't like me.
325
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:24,279
But please don't tell
the others what you know.
326
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,509
They need this!
327
00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:27,849
I mean, I guess everybody
needs to believe in something.
328
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:29,849
And-and the truth is, all
these lessons you stole
329
00:14:29,850 --> 00:14:33,019
from Star Wars made me the person I am today.
330
00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:35,350
And I'm glad you've lived the life you have.
331
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,520
Because I love who you are today.
332
00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:41,329
Jeff, I'm sorry I said some harsh things.
333
00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:44,159
If you want to stick around,
I'd love to catch up.
334
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,729
Yeah, you should stay for dinner.
335
00:14:45,730 --> 00:14:47,369
Are you kidding? I'd love to.
336
00:14:47,370 --> 00:14:49,599
- Your wife is quite beautiful.
- Yeah.
337
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,870
I look forward to meeting the others.
338
00:14:57,140 --> 00:15:00,379
Okay, we go live any minute.
339
00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:01,810
Go get them.
340
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,780
Carol! Carol!
341
00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:05,949
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
342
00:15:05,950 --> 00:15:08,589
excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
343
00:15:08,590 --> 00:15:10,619
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
344
00:15:10,620 --> 00:15:13,459
You're a big man for showing
up to Nathan's interview, Kip.
345
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:15,059
I know you're mad at him.
346
00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:17,899
Well, I can separate the man from his work.
347
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,360
I still love Paul Newman
348
00:15:19,370 --> 00:15:23,069
even though his pasta
sauce gives me heartburn.
349
00:15:23,070 --> 00:15:24,399
Thank you, Bernice.
350
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,600
We're live here at Comic-Fan-Fest,
351
00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:29,909
and I'm sitting with the one
and only Martin J.S. Essex.
352
00:15:29,910 --> 00:15:31,710
(crowd cheering)
353
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,679
Martin, your Fire and Rain
series is the hottest...
354
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,819
Boring!
355
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:40,719
These guys already know about my books.
356
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,519
Because they're nerds just like me.
357
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,789
Right, my brother nerds?
358
00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:45,960
(crowd cheering)
359
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,529
We're all nerds here.
360
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:50,759
Except for this guy.
361
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,699
You see, Nathan and I went
to middle school together.
362
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:57,030
And back at school, he was the popular kid.
363
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,940
(crowd booing)
364
00:16:00,470 --> 00:16:01,909
And he used to bully me!
365
00:16:01,910 --> 00:16:03,239
Me!
366
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,209
Well, that's all for
today from Comic-Fan-Fest.
367
00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:07,079
Back to you, Bernice, in the studio.
368
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,149
We can't go back. Bernice took off her Spanx,
369
00:16:09,150 --> 00:16:10,919
and she needs at least a five-minute warning
370
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,120
to put them back on.
371
00:16:13,990 --> 00:16:16,119
What are you doing,
Martin? We had a deal here.
372
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,859
I do owe you, Carol Miller.
373
00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:20,759
But I owe your son so much more!
374
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,190
A double cross. Classic MJSE.
375
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,359
Oh.
376
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,599
I was as angry as you, my nerds!
377
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,799
But then I spoke to his
mum, and I couldn't believe
378
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,099
the pathetic stuff she revealed.
379
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,269
I mean, this guy?
380
00:16:31,270 --> 00:16:32,900
His life sucks!
381
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,839
(crowd cheering)
382
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,079
Now, I'm a gentleman,
383
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,109
so I'm not gonna repeat
what was said in confidence
384
00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:42,209
over a turkey club and a Fanta.
385
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:47,050
But I will show you the
video I secretly recorded.
386
00:16:48,150 --> 00:16:51,189
I had no idea my son was
a bully in middle school.
387
00:16:51,190 --> 00:16:54,459
At home, he was a sweet, sensitive angel.
388
00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:56,459
We couldn't even play the board game Clue
389
00:16:56,460 --> 00:16:59,699
without him crying because
he was so upset someone died.
390
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,330
(laughter)
391
00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:07,139
Oh, I-I'm sorry if murder
upset me as a child.
392
00:17:07,140 --> 00:17:08,509
I mean, if you can't trust a professor
393
00:17:08,510 --> 00:17:11,239
and a colonel, who can you trust?
394
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,240
His marriage only lasted three years.
395
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:16,379
But I think it's gonna take
him six to get over it.
396
00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:17,280
(laughs)
397
00:17:17,281 --> 00:17:18,819
His woman could only stand
398
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,749
being with him for three years
399
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:21,650
before she split.
400
00:17:21,651 --> 00:17:25,119
BOTH: Women are hard.
401
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,620
Wait till you see this.
402
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:29,559
I mean, he was so lonely after his divorce.
403
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,559
It was clear he needed a roommate.
404
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,599
(laughs)
405
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,099
I'm sorry. What was that?
406
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,430
A 43-year-old man needs a roommate?
407
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:38,869
(laughs)
408
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,700
Are you not entertained?
409
00:17:40,710 --> 00:17:42,509
There's nothing wrong with having a roommate.
410
00:17:42,510 --> 00:17:44,770
Did you laugh at Laverne and Shirley,
411
00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:47,379
Perfect Strangers, Kate and Allie?
412
00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:49,810
Well, you should have. Those are great shows.
413
00:17:50,850 --> 00:17:54,180
Well, wait till you see who the roommate was.
414
00:17:54,190 --> 00:17:55,719
And let me tell you,
415
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,619
the two of us had a blast living together.
416
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,220
(laughs)
417
00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:02,230
His mom!
418
00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:03,429
(laughs)
419
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:04,559
His mom!
420
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,399
Come on, guys, what's wrong with you?
421
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,629
He's living with his mom!
422
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:10,699
I live with my mom, and if it wasn't for her,
423
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:12,169
I wouldn't be here today!
424
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:13,439
She drove me.
425
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,909
MAN: Yeah!
426
00:18:15,910 --> 00:18:18,609
Yeah, that's right. I did live with my mom.
427
00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:19,940
And I wouldn't trade the time
428
00:18:19,950 --> 00:18:22,109
we had together for anything in the world.
429
00:18:22,110 --> 00:18:24,110
(crowd cheering)
430
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,349
You're missing the point. We won!
431
00:18:27,350 --> 00:18:28,649
The nerds won.
432
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:30,989
Nathan Miller is a loser,
and I have a private jet
433
00:18:30,990 --> 00:18:32,959
with my face painted on the front of it.
434
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,190
Look!
435
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:40,129
Maybe you should get back on it.
436
00:18:40,130 --> 00:18:41,829
And leave Nathan Miller alone,
437
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,199
because he's more like us than you are.
438
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,269
OTHERS: Yeah!
439
00:18:45,270 --> 00:18:47,970
(crowd cheering)
440
00:18:49,570 --> 00:18:52,639
You know what? I don't have to
take this from you stupid nerds!
441
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,640
(crowd booing)
442
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,379
Yeah, that's right. I love my mom.
443
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:02,389
And sure, I've had my
share of women troubles.
444
00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:04,550
But like you, I'm tough.
445
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,559
We're tough nerds.
446
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,320
We're terds.
447
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:11,690
Nope, we're nerds.
448
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:14,499
We're, uh... we're just nerds.
449
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,470
(crowd cheering)
450
00:19:19,770 --> 00:19:22,339
So what did we learn here tonight, Leesburg?
451
00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:25,170
Life's really about embracing
the lessons you learn
452
00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:28,240
along the way and becoming
the best person you can be.
453
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,279
Because no matter who we are,
454
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,550
we all have a little nerd inside us.
455
00:19:36,650 --> 00:19:39,350
That's the message I'll be taking away.
456
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,020
Good night, Leesburg.
457
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:44,129
Well, I hope that helped
Nathan get more viewers.
458
00:19:44,130 --> 00:19:46,399
It should, as long as the Big Bang audience
459
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,999
stuck around to watch the whole thing.
460
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,599
Oh, I'm sure they did.
461
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,169
They'll make the right choice.
462
00:19:51,170 --> 00:19:54,000
They're television's smartest audience.
463
00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:05,749
Well, movie night is
delayed till Debbie finishes
464
00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:07,610
helping Mikayla with her homework.
465
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:09,379
Oh, I'll go tell them to stop.
466
00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:11,080
There's nothing you'd
learn in the fourth grade
467
00:20:11,090 --> 00:20:12,950
that can't wait until the fifth.
468
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,389
Nice job yesterday at Comic-Fan-Fest.
469
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:18,559
Thanks, Kip.
470
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,790
You know what? I got to say you were right.
471
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,699
Until yesterday, I didn't know
what it's like to be an outcast.
472
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:27,500
When they were booing me, I
gladly would've taken fantasy...
473
00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:30,439
over reality.
474
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,369
Oh. Sorry.
475
00:20:32,370 --> 00:20:36,409
Dramatic pause is kind of a hard habit...
476
00:20:36,410 --> 00:20:38,749
to break.
477
00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:40,610
Well, it was great seeing you, Jeff.
478
00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:41,979
You, too, Moon Potato.
479
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:44,080
I'm so proud of you. And your wife is lovely.
480
00:20:44,090 --> 00:20:46,289
You can't sleep with my wife.
481
00:20:46,290 --> 00:20:47,950
Fair enough. I'll stop asking.
482
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,719
But call Brenda if you change your mind.
483
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,890
Tom, I'm leaving!
484
00:20:56,530 --> 00:20:58,399
I'll be back Monday. Which
Monday? I don't know.
485
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,400
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486
00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:06,000
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